Chocolate With A Side Of Muscles

Ladies and gentleman, I have a problem.  A chocolate problem.  I don't know what is happening but lately I am OBSESSED with chocolate.  Legit obsessed. Is this what happens to the fairer sex when we get into our thirties?  Thankfully, I've found some decent ways of taming the addict inside - namely in the form of paleo chocolate chips and dark chocolate covered almonds.  Listen....I'm not saying they're carrots people, but I'm doing my best.  I'm quite happy that Horrock's is a decent drive from my house or else they'd be out of those damn almonds on a daily basis.

'Nough said

Yesterday, a team of girls from CFGR competed in the GR CrossFit Games.  It was pretty awesome.  Teams from across the midwest (many who were ranked at Regional level in the Games) competed in a full-day competition consisting of events called Dirty Triathlon, Heavy Burden, Power Carnival, Skill Ladder and a championship event called Hellfire.  It was inspiring to watch some of the amazing CrossFitters from our region battle it out.  I would love to compete in this event next year but know I have a ton of work ahead of me to get to that level.  Maybe this was what I needed to light the fire under my ass after my mopey post last week.  I'm honestly thinking of putting together a 12-month plan to work towards that competition goal.  I'm thinking one goal for each month.  I have no idea how to put it together (maybe my coach can help????) but I'll keep you posted.  Either way - super inspired.

Speaking of yesterday, I not only got to watch some kick-ass athletes in action, but also had the privilege of listening to a few men discuss their opinion of the CrossFit woman's body.  Many ladies who do CrossFit are seriously built.  They have ripped arms, strong shoulders, backs that look like road maps......they're tough as fuck.  Personally, I think it's sexy as hell but realize that not all guys would be into that. 

She doesn't do CrossFit

She's a CrossFit champ.

Can you see the difference there?  I'm not saying that one is better than the other, but for me I'd rather be able to do overhead squats, flip tractor tires and kill a muscle-up than wear a pink tutu.  Ok, who am I kidding - I'd rock the tutu....but I'd do it while deadlifting 250 pounds.  According to the guys I was listening to, their appreciation of the sport of CrossFit and the level of strength and skill needed to look and compete like Julie Foucher has changed their minds about girls with muscles.  It takes a special guy to appreciate a tough girl and a special girl to be proud to be that tough.  I'm curious - what do you think?

My last shout-out on this post goes to my family at CFGR.  After posting my last blog entry, I was overwhelmed by the amount of support, love and encouragement I got from my team and my coach. We all have our low moments, our dark spots, our days where we just want to give up.  I'm still working my way out of that but it's been better.  I had a snatch PR, an Annie PR, and a slight breakthrough on my squat in the past few weeks.  I'm feeling encouraged and motivated after this weekend's competition and I'm excited about the move to the new gym and all the great changes on the horizon for CFGR.  As with everything, I think it's just something I gotta take one day at a time.

So, to wrap it up, for tonight's dinner I'm trying out some gyro burgers I picked up a few months ago from the co-op care of S & S Lamb.  I'm topping the burgers with tzatiki sauce (my dairy exceptions to paleo), cucumber, tomato and red onion and I'm trying out some paleo burger buns from Against All Grain.   Couple that with tonight's season premiere of Dexter, and it makes for a pretty great Sunday night.

Oh......and I'll probably murder some chocolate chips.  Hey...at least I'm honest!

And So It Goes.....

Pre-read warning:  This post takes a completely different tone than entries thus far.  If you're looking for a snappy fun read, I'd just go ahead and skip this altogether.

For much of my adult life, I've had inferiority issues.  Some may call it self-esteem or label it as confidence (or lack thereof).  Call it whatever you want, but I've always felt like less.  It was in my twenties when I really started noticing all of the things that I was not, as opposed to all that I was.  I began the process of focusing on the "what if's" in life, and let me tell you, those thoughts extended to every facet of my existence - more than you could possibly begin to think of.

What if I tried a little harder in college - could I have received a scholarship to law school?

What if I dreamed a little bigger - could I be doing something that made me happier?

What if I was more financially responsible - would I still have the mortgage in student loans that I'm trying to dig my way out of?

What if I was girlier/prettier/less crass/more sophisticated - would I be married and chasing babies around my house by now?

What if I would have pushed myself harder in law school - would I have been able to get a better job right away instead of having to spend six years in an office where I was literally abused and harassed by my boss almost daily?

What if, what if, what if?

When I discovered CrossFit, I started feeling a little better about myself.  There weren't many people I knew who did it, and I was proud to say that I pushed my limits in a way that most people wouldn't even consider. It made me feel just a little bit special.

Lately, that "special-ness" has been dwindling.  While I watch others around me progress, I feel like I'm doing the exact opposite.  On a daily basis, I feel almost like I'm moving backward.  I've written about the squat issues and how it's testing the limits of my ego but it doesn't quite measure up to exactly what it touches inside me.  Feeling like I'm moving in reverse at the gym absolutely triggers some of my deepest insecurities that no one can ever really understand.  When I withdraw into myself at the gym, Sam looks at me like I'm a drama queen.  When my friends essentially tell me to suck it up and have fun, they don't understand. But how could they, really?  To them, it's a workout and not a measure of your worth.  To me, however, it's one of the few things that I try to grasp onto to make me feel special.  I'm always striving for that, always reaching for that thing that will validate me to....well, to myself.

I watch videos of women who do CrossFit, I get intrigued by the women's heats at the Games, and I watch our super stars at the gym train for our local competition.  While I'm so proud and so supportive, I'm internally struggling with the fact that I'm not that good.  I can't perform at that level.  I can't compare.  Though I was one of the first ladies to step through the door, I sometimes feel like one of the weakest.  I'm moving backward.  I'm lifting lighter.  I don't have a place.

Now before I get comments telling me I'm ridiculous, understand that whether or not your reality is different than mine, this is how I feel.  Lately, I feel CrossFit lost.  That barbell that once made me feel powerful is making me feel frustrated.  In a place where I was once feeling saved, even safe, in the exposure of my weaknesses, I now feel so unworthy.  The worst part is that it's all my own doing.

If you know me at all, through life, through the gym or merely through the words on this blog, you've likely encountered a loud, slightly crass girl with a quick tongue and a habit for playful banter.  What you probably don't know is that the jokes I make is the armor I wear to hide the fact that I'm constantly feeling inferior to every one of my powerful team members.  It's the mask I place to cover up that I know I should be better - a better example of what a year of CrossFit can do.  I should be a CFGR leader and not the den mother who packs lunches for the real athletes.  I should be more.  I should do more.  And I'm struggling with figuring out how to do that on my own.

And I guess that's just it - I'm struggling, friends.  As much as I know that everyone has these moments, I can't seem to figure out how to brush mine off and move forward.  Next month, I'm taking a long weekend to visit some friends in New York.  I anticipate I'll do a drop in class at CrossFit Dynamix in Astoria.  Just as Kurt introduced me to CrossFit, I passed my love of the sport to Justin.  Now Justin joined up with his crew in Queens and had the delusional idea to tell them I was some sort of, and I quote, CrossFit "beast" just because I (again quote) "kicked his ass" during the class I took him to.  What he didn't understand was that the only reason for that was because he'd never done it before - of course I'd be able to handle it a little better.  Now his box-mates are apparently looking forward to meeting me and I'm trying to figure out a way to get around it.  I have a hard enough time showing weakness in front of my CFGR family - I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle it with a box full of strangers.

I know this type of thinking happens when you invest in something as physically and emotionally intense as CrossFit.  Day after day, we push our minds, hearts and bodies to the limit.  We break ourselves down to build ourselves up.  We fall further so we can stand taller.  And while this may be the moment where I sit in my valley before I triumphantly climb my mountain, I'm admitting that, currently, the mountain seems insurmountable.  I can only hope (and try to believe) that just as in the past, that concrete box within that dirty steel factory will once again help me find my wings.

Until then.......

Humility Stinks

This squat thing is really getting to me.  I'm frustrated that I suck at it and I'm frustrated that Sam knows I suck at it. I'm frustrated when Sam only allows me to back squat 95 pounds during strength sets and 65 pounds during a WOD. I'm frustrated because my ego is making me frustrated.  So what's the lesson?  CrossFit is about being your best, not about comparing yourself to anyone else (including your old improperly squatting self).  I know that I need to suck it up and keep at it or else I'm gonna end up walking with a cane in my older years.  I also know that by working on it now, I'm building the foundation for (hopefully) superior performance in the future.  This is just a really difficult life lesson for me at the moment and I'm admittedly struggling with it every day.  If anyone has any advice on how to handle this with better humility, I'm all for it.  Please bestow your wisdom.

                            Please God, if this is me let me at least dress better than this....

Some exciting things are happening at CFGR.  By the way, at this point in blog reading, I know you are all totes wanting to start CrossFit.  Have you checked out our website?  Some amazingly creative person made it.  I have no idea who she could be.....except it was me.  Yeah.  Check it out.  Anyway, back to the exciting things.  When I was in college, my friend Jack started calling me bulljiver because I used to say that I had news but then wouldn't tell him.  I didn't like that nickname and didn't understand why he gave it to me.  Except now I do because those exciting things I mentioned?  I can't tell you yet. Just know they are sweet.  If you want to know the truth, I really want to tell you but Sam doesn't want to yet.  He's being conservative with the news and he's the boss so I guess I have to listen to him.  Just know it's pretty awesome and will make you all very jealous excited.

Since I can't yet share the big news, I will tell you about some new equipment that we have.  First up is the prowler.  I haven't had the pleasure of working with it yet, but I hear it's super fun. Well, that's what people would say on opposite day.  Yeah.....it's a bitch that prowler. Rawr!

                                     He's being a bit of a P with these light weights....sheesh

Sam also got himself some big cement balls.  He likes them.  They make him happy.  They look like this.

We haven't used them yet.  I think they are a lawsuit waiting to happen (what?? It's the lawyer in me) but Sam likes to remind us that we signed waivers.  So I guess it's legit.  I have no idea what we're gonna do with them but they just sit at the gym and remind us that if we step out of line, they can be incorporated into a WOD to put us all in the hurt box.

I feel like I have a lot more to say but I truly have that feeling inside that it's going to be an emotional and personal post and I'm just not ready to get into that quite yet.  So I'll end this one by saying that I made the paleo chocolate sweet potato brownies from PaleOMG.  They are non-dairy and contain no refined sugar.  They're pretty healthy actually.  For realz.  They tasted good...like real good.  I think, however, that they could be considered more of a sweet bread than a brownie. It's the cinnamon. Either way....put them in your mouth.  Well, bake them first and then put them in your mouth.

You're Such A Tool...And Other Random Things

So do you know how awesome it is to go to a Michigan football game in the fall?  If you don't, you need to get out more...or switch teams...or both.  Switch football teams I mean.  The other stuff is your own biz.  But anyway, Saturday I went to the Ann Arbor for the football game.  We stopped for lunch at my fav deli ever, Zingerman's.  I ate an amazing sandwich that contained both grains and dairy. So not paleo.  Who has two thumbs and doesn't give a fuck? This chick.  Zingerman's is that good.

Do you know that Juli over at PaleOMG makes amazeballs paleo blueberry muffins?  I made them Sunday to repent for my non-paleo sins of the weekend and let me tell you.  They. Are. Clutch.  So so good. Eat them now.

Ummm, what else? Sam is re-tooling my squat.  I guess the title of this blog should have been "I'm such a tool" but oh well.  I would rather call you out then myself.   Apparently, my squat sucks.  Which now has created problems with my back.  In that, it hurts like a mother all the freakin' time.  So now it's back to square one.  Like legit square one.  Do you know that when your squat sucks you get to go off in a corner and get cozy with a PVC pipe to work on your form?  It's pretty hot.  That's a lie. It's embarrassing and annoying but I'm trying to suck it up because I know it's necessary.  Let me tell you, it's taking a lot of pride swallowing.  Sam won't let me load the bar...like with anything. I'm seriously squatting at a minimum 50 pounds less than what I'm used to.   He also has this new app he just LOVES to torture us with.  Basically, he takes videos of us and then he can play them back in slow-mo frame by frame while drawing lines and angles through us to show us how much we suck at what we're doing.  Or maybe that's just me.  Anyway, it's super fun to watch a video of yourself in this fashion.  That was a joke by the way.  Video cameras should not be allowed in a gym. Stupid smart phones...nobody is safe.  So I'll probably keep an update on how my squat progresses cuz I know that you are all so interested in keeping abreast of the situation.

I made some delish jambalaya tonight for dinner and instead of rice I used cauliflower.  I swear to you that it could have been rice - you would have never known the difference if I didn't tell you.  Do you people want recipes for stuff like this?  Or do you just want me to talk about how yummy it was and make you jealz?

By the way, there's a nifty little stats page on my blog that I found today. It tells you how many views your blog gets and where your viewers are and such. Do you know that my blog has been viewed by someone(s) in Russia and Germany and Vietnam and lots of other crazy countries??? BOOM!!!  Now it just needs to make it's way to Cookville, TN so Rich can read it and fall in love with me.  I can see it now.....

Sometimes posts in this blog will just have to end with pictures of Rich.  Shirtless.  And wet.  With his dog.  Because that's just hot.

Ladies and Gentleman....Whitney!

This hot, dirty girl above is one of my CrossFit besties, Whitney.  She's pretty amaze and she agreed to be my first guest blogger!  Whit joined CFGR in January of this year and I instantly realized I found a soul mate.  She's kind and witty, determined and sassy.  She started an amazing group called Social Charity Club of Grand Rapids (Fact:  You need to check it out - you'll even see pictures of her in regular clothes!).  She's basically my sister from anotha mista and she's here to post a days worth of delish paleo recipes in honor of CFGR Paleo Month!!!!  Take it away, Whit!

When I walked into the gym last week and saw my name signed up under September’s challenge: “Paleo Diet- No Dairy, Grains or Legumes” I was equally nervous and excited. Nervous because I love carbs and wine and have never gone more than a week without either. However, my inner blogging nerd was really excited to start the hunt for new Paleo food blogs.  I decided not to erase my name off the board (thanks Sam) and give this primal thing a shot!

Breakfast: Eggs, avocados and tomatoes

 source: leanitup.com

2 eggs

Handful spinach

Chopped onion and peppers

Garlic pepper

Coconut oil

Avacado

Tomato

Directions: sauté onions and peppers in coconut oil, add eggs and scramble. Add spinach and mix until wilted.  Pepper to taste. Slice half of an avocado and tomato and enjoy!

Lunch:  Chicken Avocado Soup

source:  Skinny Taste

Dinner: Maple Roasted Chicken and Sweet Potatoes

I added Brussels sprouts when I make this dish for more green veggies!

Source:  Rubies and Radishes

*Michele note:  Holy frick this looks delish.  Rubies and Radishes is a blog Whit turned me onto and has now been added to my collection of go-to food blogs when I need inspiration or just want to look at pretty pictures of yummy things!

                 

In addition to my main dishes I am eating spinach salad, a LOT of spinach salad.  I am actually thinking of buying stock in Earthbound Farms.  To reward myself for giving up such delicacies as Kashi Go Lean Crunch and red quinoa I found this tasty treat: Dark Chocolate Almond Butter Cups from the Tasty Yummies website.  Seeing as how I am a women and chocolate is indeed necessary for survival, this recipe will be memorized by the end of this challenge!  Bon Appetit my primal friends!  

Dark Chocolate Almond Butter Cups from Tasty Yummies

A-Paleo-Way We Go!

I just found out that we're having another Paleo Challenge at the gym in September.  As you can tell from the title of this blog, I kinda suck at committing to the paleo lifestyle (even though I should).  For those of you who are unaware, eating paleo means essentially eating as our ancestors once did.  It is also sometimes coined the Primal Diet, or even the Caveman Diet.

The CrossFit community is super into paleo eating. If you think about it, it sorta goes hand in hand.  CrossFit is a rather caveman-ish way of working out.  Me strong person. Me lift heavy weight. Me climb ropes (trees) and swing sledge-hammers (uhhhh......club?).  Me throw heavy ball into the air......no wait, that doesn't work. Where the frick do wall balls come from anyway?? Frickin' stupid wall balls.  Anyhoo, CrossFit+Paleo = Hot Marriage of Sexiness.

To be very basic, paleo eating is about insulin control.  Essentially, it means cutting all grains, dairy and legumes from your diet and focusing on lean proteins and veggies with some fruits, nuts and seeds thrown in for variety.  It also means eating clean by cutting out sugars and bad fats, limiting your pesticide/hormone intake by eating organic and grass fed food, and consuming healthy oils.  When I first heard of this, I made the argument (me??? argue????) that I'm sure our ancestors used to eat things like rice, right?  Or maybe those were just asian cavemen, I don't know.

Calm down, it was a joke.

I'm not a doctor and don't really feel like getting into the bio-chemistry of it all so Google it if you want more medical deets.  Or check out Robb Wolf - he's kinda the king shit on all things paleo.

                            Who needs medical confirmation when you have a flow chart??
         

But seriously, if you think of it in terms of insulin, it makes sense.  Foods higher on the glycemic index, like carbohydrates and starchy veggies, spike our blood sugars and promote the release of insulin.  When this happens, your body converts from using your fat as an energy source to using the insulin instead.  It slows everything down.  That kinda sucks.

Now I'm sure many of you are criticizing me, thinking that i'm an idiot and that this diet isn't balanced and you need whole grains and dairy and blah blah blah.  I don't necessarily disagree.  However, I believe that our eating habits and lifestyle have to be personalized to what works for us.  A few years ago, I really altered my diet to the point where I was eating mainly vegetarian (slightly vegan) with some animal protein and dairy thrown in occasionally.  I got my main source of protein from soy (until I learned about the connection between soy and estrogen intake), beans and those fake meat things in the frozen section of the grocery store.  It worked fine for me until I started doing CrossFit.  After that, my body needed more. It couldn't survive a tough WOD on that type of diet. I wanted MEAT. I craved it.

                                          That's not me (obvi) but you get the idea

Once I increased my animal protein intake, I noticed that my performance got better.  That's what works for ME.  In an effort to increase the health benefits (and reduce the unhealthy risks), I purchase all of my protein from local farms.  It's all free-range, grass fed, hormone free goodness.  It's better for me and the environment.  It might not work for you and that's ok, but stop bitching about what everyone else eats and just focus on yourself.

So back to the challenge.  In January, we had a paleo challenge that introduced me to the lifestyle for the first time.  Because of my ridiculously competitive nature, I was fairly strict with myself and won the challenge.  I got a foam roller as a reward - that fucker is a torture device that knows no limits on the amount of pain that it can induce.  True story.  After winning, I slowly started getting lazy and eventually completely forgot I really, really liked how I felt and performed while eating paleo.

This time around, since I already got my, uh, prize, I want to focus on tweaking the diet to best suit me.  I'll be honest - I will not give up cream in my coffee this time.  It's just the way it is.  I have reduced my coffee consumption to one, mayyyyybe two cups of day and I like it with cream.  I sometimes go to sleep at night excited to get up and have a cup of coffee in the morning.  I will not be giving up that joy.  (It's the little things, people).  Also, there are many paleo eaters out there that consume "healthy" sugar in the form of organic honey, pure maple syrup, etc.  I will likely do this sometimes too.  There's a 21-day sugar detox I've noticed many of my favorite bloggers have participated in that I might try in the future, but that's for another time.  Other than those few exceptions, I am going to attempt to be as strict paleo as possible for the next month.

I'll try to post some recipes of things I eat and updates on how I feel.  Who knows, at the end of this month, maybe this Not Quite Paleo Princess may become just a Princess after all!