Take A Breath And Let It Go

There's a saying about there being a beauty in letting go.
A power in the simplicity of taking a breath,
          giving up,
                  and giving in to whatever it is that is meant to happen.
To accepting yourself in all of your amazingness with all of your flaws.

I can sometimes struggle with these ideas.  Some may even say that I tend to enjoy having control of anything and everything that crosses into my little force field.  I am a fortress.  I have walls higher than most can even contemplate climbing.  I constantly compare myself to others.  I can easily feel defeated.  My flight response can sometimes be my default.

CrossFit has taught me that I am actually stronger than I ever believed but, at the same time, has exposed more weakness than I could have ever imagined.  This weekend we did testing at the gym to assess performance level.  It contained both strength and skill assessments set within rigid parameters.    I went into it knowing that I wouldn't be able to pass every test and, with that, part of me didn't even want to try.  I didn't want to expose those weaknesses in front of anyone.  I had a moment of internal panic where I looked for the nearest exit.  Unfortunately, the box is one place where you aren't able to flee.  You are forced to face each challenge and, as Sam says, to "suck it up, buttercup."  Long story short - I didn't pass all the tests. I did, however, set several records, including a 30 pound PR on my back squat, a 10 pound PR on my power clean and a 5 pound PR on my deadlift.  Even with fatigued muscles, I pushed myself harder and surpassed personal limits.  I may not have gotten a wristband, but I came closer than I actually expected and I did it with the support of my team. No one judged and everyone spent the morning supporting each other.

My walls are high and sometimes I feel they are impenetrable but there are moments where I catch glimpses of what life can be like when I let my guard down.  It's actually a pretty beautiful existence.  Whether it be at work, at the box, or in my personal life, I'm on a mission to make 2013 a year of breaking down my barriers and lowering my shield.  I will likely hurt and be hurt.  I anticipate that it will be one of the toughest things I've ever done.  In the end, though, letting go may be just the thing that sets me free.